For much of my life, I have operated as a "fixer" in my relationships. If someone I cared about came to me with a problem, a frustration, or a point of friction, my immediate biological response was to rapidly formulate a solution.
On the surface, being a fixer sounds like a positive trait. It feels helpful. It feels supportive. But clinical psychology offers a different perspective: constantly stepping in to solve other people's problems is often less about helping them, and more about soothing our own internal anxiety.
The Mechanics of Rescuing
When we see someone we care about in distress, it creates emotional discomfort within us. For those of us with hyperactive or anxious mental baselines, that discomfort is intolerable.
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In psychology, there is a model called the Karpman Drama Triangle, which maps out destructive social interactions. The "Rescuer" (the fixer) is a classic role. The rescuer intervenes to fix the situation, which temporarily relieves their own anxiety, but it fundamentally disempowers the other person. By jumping straight to the solution, we accidentally send the message: "You are not capable of handling this yourself, so I must do it for you."
The Cost of Fixing
Operating as a permanent fixer comes with a heavy physiological and emotional cost.
Burnout: You are carrying the cognitive load of two lives - your own and your partner or friend's.
Resentment: When your unsolicited solutions are ignored or fail, it breeds frustration.
Disconnection: Often, people do not want a solution; they want validation. When they say, "I had a terrible day," and you immediately say, "Here is how you fix your schedule," you completely bypass the emotional connection they were actually seeking.
The Strategy: Holding Space
Breaking the fixer habit requires active neuroplasticity. We have to build a new neural pathway to replace the immediate reflex to solve.
In therapeutic settings, this is called "holding space." It means being physically and emotionally present with someone's pain without trying to alter it, minimize it, or cure it.
The easiest way to implement this is a simple, tactical question. When someone comes to you with a problem, before your brain starts generating solutions, ask: "Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?"
The Takeaway
Stepping back from the fixer role is uncomfortable at first. It requires sitting with the anxiety of an unresolved problem. However, by choosing to listen rather than solve, we foster healthier boundaries, preserve our own mental energy, and build relationships based on authentic connection rather than utility.
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