Loop Policy
In my
It was a simple, deeply ingrained reward loop:
Skinned knee -> Feel Bad -> Get Ice Cream -> Feel Better
As I grew, that loop became my primary coping mechanism for everything.
Stressful day at work -> Feel Bad -> Order a Pizza -> Feel Better
Argument with a partner -> Feel Bad -> Eat a bag of chips -> Feel Better
Grief, loneliness, or just ADHD-fueled boredom -> Feel Bad -> Eat -> Feel Better
This loop was a temporary fix that created a permanent, spiraling problem. It was the root cause of my 190-pound weight gain and a major contributor to the inflammation that damaged my heart.
My medication (Wellbutrin) has been a vital tool for managing the baseline of my ADHD and Dysthymia. But it couldn't break this behavioral loop. That required a two-part approach: I had to break the physical addiction first, and only then could I start the hard work of re-wiring the emotional habit.
Here’s how I’m doing it.
Part 1: Breaking the Physical Chains
For decades, I couldn't tell the difference between emotional hunger, boredom hunger (a classic ADHD trait), and real, physical hunger. They all just felt like a desire for food.
This is where a clean keto lifestyle became the key. By committing to a strict, whole-food, anti-inflammatory diet and a 22:2 intermittent fasting schedule, I broke the physical addiction.
It Killed the "Hanger": By eliminating sugars and starches, I got off the blood-sugar-and-insulin rollercoaster. The constant, desperate, "hangry" cravings vanished. For the first time, I could experience a feeling of stress without an accompanying physical "need" to eat.
It Unmasked the Urge: Once the physical cravings were gone, the emotional "muscle memory" was all that was left. When I felt that pull to the pantry, I could finally see it for what it was—not hunger, but a feeling. I could finally pause and ask, "What is this? This isn't hunger. This is grief." or "This is stress."
This lifestyle didn't automatically solve my emotional eating, but it cleared the static. It gave me the mental clarity and stable energy to finally see the "reward loop" as it was happening and, for the first time, choose to do something else.
Part 2: My New Toolkit (How I Self-Soothe Now)
Breaking a decades-old habit isn't about "willpower." Willpower is a finite resource that burns out, as my history of weight loss and regain proves. You can't just stop a behavior; you have to replace it.
When I feel that old, familiar pull - the one triggered by a stressful day, a wave of grief, or that restless, dopamine-seeking energy from my ADHD - I now have a new set of actions to take.
1. The "Game Master" Fix: Engage My Hands & Brain
The urge to eat is often a "dopamine-seeking" behavior. My brain is looking for a quick, easy reward. I've learned to channel that restless energy into something that is actively absorbing and productive.
- My New Action: I dive into my TTRPG prep. I build a complex encounter, map out a dungeon, or write a piece of lore for my Thursday night game. This creative act provides a better dopamine hit than food ever could - one that's productive, fulfilling, and lasts for hours, not minutes.
2. The "Point Pleasant" Fix: Move My Body
Sometimes the feeling isn't restlessness; it's a heavy, oppressive weight from grief or my Dysthymia. The old me would try to "push it down" with food.
My New Action: I move. I go for my daily walk. On weekends, I head to Point Pleasant Park and the boardwalk for what has become a 12-15 km walk. This isn't "exercise" in the punishing sense. It's a form of active meditation. The rhythmic movement, the fresh air, the change of scenery—it physically moves the stress and grief out of my body in a way food never could.
3. The "Social" Fix: Connect & Communicate
Emotional eating thrives in isolation. It's a lonely, internal loop.
My New Action: I engage with my support system. My non-negotiable Thursday night game is a perfect example. It's a scheduled, 4+ hour block of social, creative, and fulfilling human interaction. This is the opposite of the lonely, five-minute hit from a bag of chips. It's a real, sustainable reward that builds me up.
4. The "Practical" Fix: Hydrate & Delay
Sometimes the urge is just a simple "hand-to-mouth" habit or boredom.
My New Action: I drink something. A huge glass of water with my
clean electrolytes Cove soda
Part 3: The "Dessert" Exception (The New, Clean Loop)
This is the final, and most important, piece of the puzzle. This journey is not about 100% deprivation. That's not sustainable.
The old loop was destructive: a moment of weakness with a "dirty" snack would trigger guilt, inflammation, and a full-blown binge.
I have now built a new, clean reward loop that I control.
My New Action: I have scheduled my "treat." It happens after my one, nutrient-dense, high-protein meal. It's a
clean keto square or 90%+ dark chocolate, usually paired with an "after supper coffee".
Why This is Different: This is not emotional eating. It is a planned, intentional, non-destructive reward. It has no sugar, no starches, and no bad oils. It doesn't spike my insulin, trigger inflammation, or send me spiraling into guilt. It provides the "reward" feeling in a way that is perfectly compliant with my new lifestyle.
Breaking this decades-old pattern is the hardest part of this journey, harder than giving up bread or pasta. This new lifestyle isn't just about food; it's about re-writing the source code of my mind. I'm not "fixing" my past, but I am building a present where I have the tools to cope. I'm replacing a destructive loop with a creative, active, and fulfilling one.
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